the state of things

No one comes here and I rarely use it. Im usually too busy with the boy or dicking around on the computer or felling sorry for myself to even write half a page. But anyway, Life has been draining. And I really have no one to blame but myself on this. So much is going on right now, and I can even feel it because I've turn my emotions off.I cold lose Aspen, Chas is pregnant with someone else child. And she's lying about things, either to me or others.
I never know whats going on anymore and I hate that feeling of no control. But I give control of my life away freely. I Always place my life and happiness in other, either for fear of disappointing or , has in the case of Chas and even Rae to a smaller, that without me they won't have anyone else. But I know I that is just bullshit. I'm afraid of uncertainty, of the unknown. So I say were I'm, even if I unhappy or in pain. Then in order to combat the pain and depression, I shut down emotionaly, be come a shell.
I know all this a still here i am. Alone at night. The baby in his crib, my wife and her boyfriend in their room together. And I tack it, because the only other choices I have or change or Die. And Changes is Hard. And I afraid of Death.